Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
