she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
