bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
