this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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