Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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