Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
