went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
