you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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