I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
