the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
