just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
