if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
