Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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