You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
