I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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