This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
