Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
