My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
