I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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