He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
