He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
