Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
