Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
