No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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