he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
