I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
