Your tits are I can't wait for
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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