You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
