Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
