I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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