My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
