i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
