:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
