just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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