apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
