I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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