The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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