I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
