I accidentally had phone sex last night
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
