i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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