He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
bring money and cleavage
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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