I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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