4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize