When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
