we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
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Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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