made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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