drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
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She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
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alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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