I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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