im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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