id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
