You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
