Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
