I will die if light touches me.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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