my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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