OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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