I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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