I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
