be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
