Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
